Did you like Hogwarts on Facebook?
by HelloHogwarts
Summary: 2012: Hogwarts. When there's an Apple store in Diagon Alley, and people bedazzle their own wands, you know it's all changed.
1. Thou shall not bribe swearing Russians

**Hey, Hey, Hey!**

**This is my first fan fiction for Harry Potter!**

**Not that you really care, but I feel that if I say it's my first fan fic, it entitles me to be lazy with my writing.**

**Anyway, try refraining from swearing your face off in the comments. Unless you want to freely express how totally amazing this story is.**

**Also, this is a parody. Which means it might offend a few Harry Potter fans out there. The humour is basically just forms of satire. This first chapter has basically no Hogwartization in it. But I promise there will be in the following ones!**

**Lots of Love,**

**HelloHogwarts oxox (Ha-ha, now it looks like I made dead faces if you tilt your head to the right) **

**PS: BTW - \/\/\/\/\/ means that long horizontal line that separates text. It doesn't show up on fanfiction**

My parents and I moved to England a month ago.

No, I did not kick up a fuss and say, "but mo-om, I want to be with my friends!" because truthfully, I only had two friends back in America. One of which was the school janitor, who when I would talk to, would give me dirty looks and start swearing at me in Russian. I realized that if I gave him money, he'd shut up and pretend to listen to me. Pretty friendly, eh?

The other one was a boy named Paul. He never talked, which suited me fine. What I didn't realize was that he suffered from anxiety. He had a mental breakdown when I asked him if he wanted to go see a movie with me. His parents pulled him out of the school so he could go to a brand new "special" one. Poor guy.

I didn't know why, but no one ever liked me. I didn't have some mental problem and I wasn't particularly unattractive and I didn't smell bad. I just didn't fit in. So what, I was a little sarcastic and rude. So what, I rolled my eyes at everything people said. It didn't mean the only friends I should have was the school janitor who I had bribe to stop swearing at me and Paul, who was just a messed up kid. No one ever teased or bullied me. I wasn't a loser, I was just barely acknowledged.

So when my parents announced that we were moving countries, all I said was "okay," and went up to my room and watched the new episode of Jersey Shore. But of course, both my parents being life coaches meant there was a layer of depression or something under what I had just said. My mom's favourite pastime was making people feel bad, just so she could make them feel better. So she threw open my bedroom door just when The Situation was about to take off his shirt and glided in like she owned the place. Which she did, but, whatever.

"Hi," I said in a monotone voice, not lifting my eyes of the TV screen.

"Hello sweetie," Mom replied in a sugary voice, taking a seat next to me on my purple beaten up sofa. She lifted her eyes to the screen. "Oh my goodness! What are you watching!"

"Jersey Shore," I replied.

"Did that boy just take his pants off?"

"Who, Mike? Yeah. He does that a lot,"

Mom sighed sympathetically. "I know you're upset about moving, honey, but porn is not the way to solve your problems."

"What the hell mom! I'm not watching porn!"

"Elizabeth, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of girls your age go through this sort of thing. I guess it's just the way of life. When your father and I were younger, we would experi-"

"MOM! Shut up, okay? I don't need to hear about what you and Dad do in your spare time!"

"Sweetheart, please. I know you're angry, but you shouldn't take it out on me."

And there you go. Now I have anger issues **and **I watch porn. Classic mom.

"Your father and I need to go into hibernation, and the crew is migrating to London."

There's something you need to know. Life coaches coach you on life. But that does not mean they do it well. Most of them are just crazy. My parents go into that category. You see, my parents are so into being all hippie-ish and being positive and living a good life, they have to go into hibernation. And yes, it's exactly what you're thinking of.

"Sweetie, if you want to connect with your true self and find the core of your inner beauty and connection with Mother Nature, you need to first connect with all of Mother Nature's creations on an intimate level. When you hibernate, you can feel yourself talking to the animals and therefore, living a healthy life," Dad would tell me. And then I'd laugh. And then he'd get pissed and start crying. And then mom would comfort him and then accuse me of some new issue.

So for the summer, my parents would go on "hibernation" with all these hippies. Basically all they do is meditate and eat lettuce. They'd go to a different place every summer. I've always been stuck living with my mom's friend Olga for the months they were gone. She made me work in her organic chip shop from 9am till 6pm every day and payed me a dollar an hour. I swear I was suicidal.

"Why are we moving there? How come you're not just going for two months like you always do?" I asked.

"Because of…"

"Well actually you…"

"For a change of scenery," they both said simultaneously. Then they both put on a fake smile and tilted their heads to the right.

"Um…okay then," I said, raising my eyebrows. What was up with them? Honestly, I really didn't care. I just wanted them to leave so I could continue watching Jersey Shore/so called porn.

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I was sitting in my living room, watching the English substitute of Jersey Shore, Ladette to Lady. Mom and Dad were going to their hibernation camp in a week, and they wanted to run over the details with me.

What I couldn't believe about England was how well, _floral_, everything was. I swear, the sofa was upholstered in a flower print, the wallpaper was unattractive beige covered in roses and the carpet was hidden underneath its print of thousands of faded daisies.

My parents walked into the room, my mother's face buried in my dad's shoulder, so it looked like she was trying to bite his arm off. She probably was; it might be a new life coaching technique.

"Hey," I said casually, quickly switching the television off before Mom could diagnose me with another issue.

"Hello sweetheart," Dad smiled, as he and Mom sat on either side of me.

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked suspiciously.

"No dear!" Mom laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And then Dad joined in. They were laughing so hard they looked constipated.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh, hon, I love you," Dad said heartily.

"Well, Elizabeth, we are going into hibernation in seven days,"

"Yeah?"

"Well, you will not be attending the Christian Camp," Dad said.

Oh yes! Thank god! Sitting around a campfire singing songs about the Lord was not exactly my cup of hot chocolate. "Oh…no," I lied.

"You'll be going to Hogwarts."

"Hog-what?"

"Hogwarts. A school for witchcraft and wizardry."

"Why am I going there?"

"Elizabeth, you're a witch."

"Thanks a lot, mom."

"No, Elizabeth, I mean it. You are a witch."

And then it was my turn to laugh like I was constipated.


	2. Thou shall not roll eyes at thy mother

**Hey, Hey, Hey!**

**First things first, Riley Erin, you have no idea how fracking excited I got when you reviewed my story! First reviewer, yay!**

**Oh and by the way, I just played the role of the iron (as in ironing your clothes) in the school musical. There goes my dignity.**

**Second chapter! Remember to review!**

**Lots of love,**

**HelloHogwarts oxox**

**PS: BTW - \/\/\/\/\/ means that long horizontal line that separates text. It doesn't show up on fanfiction.**

"Sweetie, I know it's a lot to take in but-"

"I'm a witch," I told myself. "I'm a witch, I'm a witch, I'm a witch," I was talking so softly it was barely audible.

Witches and wizards were the things out of dreams and Roald Dahl books. They weren't real. Yet here I was, being told that I was one of them.

"You're lying," I whispered.

"No, hon, we're not." Dad smiled weakly.

I stared blankly at the daisy covered carpet. "Yes you are. You are, you are, you're lying, yes you are, uh huh, hell yeah."

"Carls, what's wrong with her?" I heard Dad whisper into Mom's ear, as I continued my stream of 'yeah's'.

"She's probably just suffering from some anxiety due to her shock." Mom whispered back, staring at me as if I had a highly contagious disease.

"I'm not, Mom," I finally said.

"Not what?" Mom asked, raising her eyebrows as if I didn't hear her at all.

"I'm just…overwhelmed," I frowned. "I don't know if I believe you."

"We're not lying, sweetie."

49.99 percent of the world's teenage population would say "OH MY GOD, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! I HATE YOU!" Give or take a few swear words thrown in. The other 49.99 percent would say "Oh my god! This is fracking awesome! Abra cadabra!" And finally, the last 00.02 percent of the world, which included me, would say:

"Oh, okay."

I peered down at the Hogwarts brochure Mom had handed me. On the front was a moving picture, showing Hogwarts from different angles.

"Cool," I grinned.

I brushed my fingers against it, and was surprised to find that I wasn't sucked in by some invisible magical force.

_Hogwarts offers a range of subjects including core classes such as:_

_Flying_

_Herbology_

_Defence Against the Dark Arts_

_Charms_

_Potions_

_Transfiguration_

_History of Magic_

_Astronomy_

"Whoa," I breathed, trying to take it all in. It was the stuff I read in books, it wasn't…real.

Mom waved her unpainted fingernail over Herbology. "Ooh, that one sounds interesting," she grabbed the booklet and flipped over to Herbology. She took a few minutes scanning over it.

"It says here that you study magical plants," she suddenly frowned. "I don't want our daughter taking marijuana," she said to Dad.

"Mom, I'm not going to get high!"

"Drugs are not the way to solve your problems, sweetheart." SHABBAM! Now I'm also a drug addict. Good on you Mom. I stared back down at the brochure.

_Electives (third years and up) involve:_

_Study on Ancient Runes_

_Muggle Studies_

_Divination _

_Care of Magical Creatures_

_Arithmancy_

_Apparition (6__th__ years and up)_

_Extra-Curricular Subjects include:_

_Muggle Art_

_Muggle Music_

_Muggle Technology_

_Art _

_Music_

_Alchemy_

_Magical Theory_

_Ghoul Studies_

_Ancient Studies_

_Earth Magic_

"What's a muggle?" I asked.

"I'm pretty sure it is what you do to prepare for a burglary," Dad announced.

"Are they going to be getting robbed at the magic school!" Mom raised her eyebrows so high, I didn't even know it was possible.

"Mom, I'm sure we won't get mugged. There will probably some magic charm or curse or something that will prevent that." I rolled my eyes.

"I don't want our daughter thinking theft is normal! You know how easily convinced Elizabeth is!" I sighed heavily as my mom went on about diagnosing me as a thief.

I jumped as my butt buzzed from my vibrating iPhone. I did an awkward twist and attempted to pull my phone out smoothly. My parents watched in horror as I moaned in a way that should stay in the bedroom, and jiggled my butt in the air, till finally, I reached the prized phone. On the screen it read: 1 NEW MESSAGE – BLOCKED NUMBER. I looked up to find my mom crying in Dad's arms.

"What's wrong with her?" I asked Dad, in a highly sympathetic manner.

"She just feels awful because she's taking you away from all your friends." Dad almost seemed sick of his wives tantrums. That was a first.

"Ha!" I snorted. The only current friend I had was Daisy. That was the carpet, by the way.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie! I'm such a terrible mother!" Mom wailed.

"Meh," I replied. "Don't sweat it Mom. I didn't have any friends anyway."

Mom suddenly looked up. "You had _no _friends?"

I exhaled. "Well there was this swearing foreign janitor but-"

"Oh, my goodness! Our daughter had no friends!"

"What about the janitor!"

"Our daughter had no friends except for a swearing foreign janitor!"

"And a troubled boy!" I added.

"And a troubled boy!" Mom howled, burying her head in Dad's lap. Dad stroked her hair, shaking his head sadly.

"Sweetheart, why don't you go to bed? We've got a big day tomorrow," Dad insisted. He had black drooping bags around his eyes, and he was slumped over like a hunchback. All he wanted was for me to leave and Mom to stop bawling. I didn't blame the guy.

"Fine with me," I said, heaving myself off the couch and trudging up the staircase into my room.

My room was large, but it was crowded with Mom and Dad's stuff. In the corner of my room was the "meditation space". A bunch of thin pillows with Bollywood style gold threading were thrown everywhere, covered in a giant red mosquito net, that was supposed to be the cover that isolated your soul from the rest of the world. I thought it was total bullshit, but today I wanted nothing more than to crawl in there and lie amongst all the pillows.

The thing I loved (but most of the time hated) about my room was the mirror on the ceiling. As I lay there, I stared up at the mirror. A pair of piercing green eyes stared back at me. My thick (and highly annoying), frizzy caramel coloured hair was tangled around my olive, freckly skin. I wasn't extremely fortunate looking, but I wasn't ugly. This suited me fine. I couldn't be bothered walking the five feet to my bed, so I wriggled into the pillows, shut my eyes and drifted off to sleep.


	3. Thou shall not threaten with capsicums

**Hey, Hey, Hey!**

**I just really want to say, thank you so, so, so much for all the reviews and for making my story a favourite. I was actually unaware of how many people made my story a favourite until… dun, dun, dun…I checked my emails (that is a rare event, since I have no friends). And you have no idea how excited I got. There was high pitched American girl screaming involved.**

**Flowerllama98, thank you so much. That review of yours made my day. It really did. I read it to my parents and they were all "Christian camp is great, don't say that, meh, meh, meh!" and I was all "shut up."**

**Things to say…ooh, my birthday! I'm turning, well, I'm not going to tell you what I'm turning, but don't worry, I'm not a hairy 40 year old man, nor am I a 6 year old smart ass.**

**Enjoy the chapter, and please, pretty please, beautiful please, astonishing please, striking please, review! I really want some feedback, and I would really love to hear what you guys have to say about my story.**

**Lots of love,**

**HelloHogwarts oxox**

**PS: BTW - \/\/\/\/\/ means that long horizontal line that separates text. It doesn't show up on fanfiction.**

"Mmm," I grumbled. "Stop it!" I was being poked in the face with something. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, before slowly opening them to find Mom standing hesitantly with Grandpa's old walking stick in her hand. A wave of relief spread across her face when she saw that I was conscious.

"Oh, good, you're awake!" She smiled. "Now I don't know what you're doing in the meditation space! We've got a big day ahead of us, so if you can just throw on your clothes and mosey on down stairs, I'll have some tofu pancakes waiting, you can eat those up and we'll be right on our way!"

"Mom, why are you talking in a Southern accent?" I mumbled groggily.

"Oh!" She placed her hand on her chest. "I didn't even realise! I guess I'm just very excited for what we've got coming today!" She skipped out of my room, humming some tune I'd never heard of. I pulled myself out of the tower of pillows I was buried in.

I absent-mindedly chucking on some flip-flops, a pair of tattered jeans and a manga tee, and tied my ugly mob of hair into a messy bun.

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After being force-fed three tofu pancakes, Mom revealed where we were going. Deagon Alley. Wait, no. Diagon Alley.

Apparently it's some wizard street, place thingy ma bob. And as much as I hate to admit it, I was actually pretty excited to go. From reading my Hogwarts brochure, apparently basically all everyone does there is there drink pumpkin juice and look at broomsticks. Seems up in my alley (get it?).

What really pissed me off though was how we got there. No, we didn't fly there on a broomstick. We went there in…wait for it…A CAR! That's right, a car. But not just any car. A smart car. One of those painfully slow electric ones that of course, my parents drive. Mom stopped driving once we reached a wall of bricks.

"Wow," I said. "Impressive."

Mom got out of the car and walked up to the wall. She pulled out a stick from her pocket and did a little dance, tapping a whole lot of bricks with it, and doing various twirls and clicks, which I was almost positive she added in. She turned to me and grinned in a way I'd never seen her do. It was the cocky grin I wore when I wanted to say "I told you so."

Suddenly the wall slowly mounted down, until it was completely gone, and I was left staring into a village of people who looked like who I thought I would have met in Christian Camp **(for you, flowerllama98)**, all dressed up in robes and hopping around all over the place. I looked like the odd one out, and all I had on was some jeans and a top.

As for the names of the stores, it was like reading a Dr Seuss picture book. They felt the need to use alliteration in every single shop. From "Weasley's Wizard Wheezes" to "Magical Menagerie" to "Twilfitt and Tatting's", every store in Diagon Alley was definitely named by four year olds.

"Where first, Mom?" I laughed. "Borgin and Burkes or Apple a-" And then I saw it. Right in the middle of the rustic Diagon Alley was an urban, white, shiny Apple store. "Oh my god," I breathed. "I didn't know wizards had access to an Apple store!"

"Well," Mom rubbed her palms together, preparing for a speech of some sort. "In the brochure, it says that there is a technology barrier around Hogwarts so you cannot-"

"Haven't you seen the classes?" said a sly voice behind my mother.

"Huh?" I spun around to find a platinum headed tall girl standing with her hand on her hip.

"One of our classes is 'Muggle Technology'. Do you really think we'd have a technology barrier around Hogwarts?" She raised her eyebrows and cocked her head to the side, giving off the vibe of "don't mess with me or I'll shoot your face off."

"Well it says here that-"

"Please. We're wizards for god's sake. Have you snuck your phone into school camp?" She nodded towards me.

"Yeah," I said.

"You have? But who have you got to call? I thought you had no friends!" Mom said, shocked.

"MOM!"

"Exactly," Platinum interrupted. "Except we've got magic. Anyway, the barrier has gone now. Hogwarts got rid of that, like, ages ago." With a cliché hair flip, Platinum strutted away, wiggling her butt with every step she took.

And then a question popped in my head. How did she know I'd attended 'human' school? Probably my clothes. Then again she was dressed like me, but way sluttier. I turned around to ask her but she was already hundreds of metres away, chatting with her equally skanky friends.

I sighed (which seemed to be something I was doing a lot lately), and walked down to the heart of Diagon Alley. People were all over town, and of the few statements I caught, they seemed to be saying things along the lines of "OMG I'm like totally, like, pissed off right now. Hogwarts is like, going to be so like, boring." In the Hogwarts brochure, it stated that students were dedicated and had pure interest in what they were learning. I'm not sure if that was the case. These wizards seemed to be more like a normal school than I thought.

"Where first?" I asked Mom, fighting the urge to bite my nails.

Mom took a brief look at the Hogwarts planner she had received. "Flowerish and Blobs," she replied, putting the planner carefully back into her burlap hobo bag.

"Flowerish and Blobs? What kind of name is that?" I asked, frowning.

"I don't know hon. Besides; we're in the wizarding world now." She slowly walked up to Flowerish and Blobs. The outside was covered in an old coating of drab brown pain that was peeling at the edges. In the window were dozens of different books on magic, including, 'My Family and Other Griffins', 'Tri-Wizard Tournaments: A History' and 'Sort out the Sorting Hat'.

I hesitantly pushed against the glass creaky door, and tiptoed in, as if the floor would break if I stepped any harder. A balding old man stood behind the counter, scrutinizing the spotless bench. He looked up when we walked in. "Oh my, Muggle borns! Well, how very exciting," the old man smiled sweetly.

"You stay away from me!" Mom yelled, grabbing the organic capsicum spray out of her purse. "If you dare try and rob me, I'll spray your eyes!"

The man gave an expression I knew all too well. It was a mixture of "what the hell, woman?" and "please don't hurt me!"

"Mom, please! You're scaring the poor old guy," I said, attempting to calm Mom down.

"What do you mean, 'rob'?" He asked suspiciously.

"What's all this Muggle business? It means to mug somebody; doesn't it?" Mom questioned.

"A Muggle is a human," he replied, returning back to his original state of impeccable posture.

"Oh," Mom said, now feeling like a real idiot. "Er, thank you for clarifying. Let's go get your books now, shnookams."


	4. Thou shall not buy Rihanna CDs

**Hey, Hey, Hey!**

**Fourth chapter, yay! I just want to say: I'm very sorry if I've upset some of you. I mean no offence to anyone with any of my jokes, they are strictly humour based. So, I'm sorry if you took them to heart.**

**Anyways, things…ooh, guess what? For my birthday I'm seeing The Hunger Games premiere in Gold Class! I'm pretty scared I'll fall asleep though since it's at midnight… I also went to this Greek restaurant and danced with this belly dancer (who actually had a belly, for once)! It was so much fun!**

**Also, I had school camp. Don't even start with me. Let's just say when we went canoeing, I spent more time in the water than I did in the canoe.**

**Everyone, take a look at flowerllama98's stories. She asked me to read one, and I'm really glad I did. I read one called "A Case of Mistaken Identity". It's a cute little one shot about Fred and George. You should really take a look **

**Please review or I'll die, and you'll have to clean it up.**

**Lots of love,**

**HelloHogwarts oxox**

**PS: /\/\/\/ means that long horizontal line that separates text. It doesn't show up in fanfiction.**

A few years ago, Megan Carlisle invited me to her birthday party. It wasn't because she liked me or anything. It was because her mom forced her to invite the whole class, which included _moi_.

Megan was the most popular girl in school. She climbed her way up the social ladder one cliché hair flip at a time. She'd transferred only a month ago, and she already was the queen bee.

She was the classic token popular bitch. She had the whole look down – the long, blonde hair, the blue eyes, the big boobs, the makeup that made her look even closer to a real life Barbie doll, the head to toe pink ensemble, the slutty skirt so short that I'm sure that if she bent over, we'd see her perky butt cheeks.

Her boyfriend – surprise, surprise – was the captain of the football team, Joshua Jones. When I first heard his name, I seriously laughed for, like, ten minutes straight. They'd been talking about how her birthday party was going to be the biggest and best event of the year, and how people would die to get in.

You see, I was planning on staying glued to my couch watching re-runs of Jersey Shore, but my mom was so excited I had actually been invited to something, she actually had the decency to go out and buy me a dress, instead of making one out of some left over broccoli and some organic mango string.

And, as much as I hate to admit it, it was a really, really, really pretty dress. It was peach coloured, and showed off the tan I had been working on all summer. It was tight at the top, and came out in satin ruffles at the waist line. The dress went down to just above the knee, and it made me feel like I was a fairy.

It was one of those dresses you just had to twirl in. And when you twirled in it, it immediately made you feel incredibly special and dainty. So then you feel the need to not only twirl in the dress, but twirl on your tiptoes. Because we all know that twirling on your tiptoes makes every girl feel superior.

I just couldn't help but doll myself up. I dusted my cheeks with a shimmery bronze powder, and patted my eyes with a baby pink shadow. I rubbed my lips together; making sure the velvety layer of gloss I had on covered the whole surface of my thin, rubbery lips.

I promise you I'm not usually this superficial. And I really wasn't sure what possessed me to be so shallow, but back then, I didn't even care. I felt special, and that was all that mattered. I twisted my hair into a French roll as I skipped out the door.

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It was eight o'clock when I arrived at Megan's birthday party. Her house was huge, and could most likely pass as a castle. Through the windows I could see fluorescent strobe lights flickering, and I could hear the hammering of crappy music loud enough to make your ears bleed.

Every step I took, I felt less and less confident of myself. Five steps ago, I felt like I was on top of the world, but now, I felt like the same person I was at school – unnoticed, boring and lonely. I gulped in a mouth full of air, attempting to fight the urge to vomit in the flawlessly maintained pot plants or on the fresh cut deep green grass.

I slowly made my way to her doorstep, taking the time to snort at the cheesy doormat saying 'ouch! Don't step on me!" I hesitantly knocked lightly on the door.

After waiting a couple of minutes, and no one answering, I knocked again, louder. No answer. I was starting to feel like a real idiot. I pounded on the door with my fist, sure that it would make some kind noise…and nothing.

"HELLO!" I yelled. "HELLO?" I grabbed the door knob and turned it. To my surprise, the door opened easily and I was immersed into the rowdy mob of people. "Well, that was easy," I said to myself.

I spotted Megan in the crowd, who was dressed in a tight hot pink bandage dress and pole dancing on one of the pillars in her house. When she saw me, she started to walk slash crump her way over.

"Uh, happy birthday!" I smiled awkwardly.

"He-ey Patriciaaaaa," she slurred.

"It's Liz."

"Ohhhh, sorry. My bad…you know, Patricia, Liz, I get them mixed up a lot, 'cause they're a lot the same, yeah?" How did she get Liz from Patricia?

"Um, yeah, I guess."

"So…where's my pressie?" Her hot breath smelled of beer.

"Here you go." Demanding, much. I handed her the small gift I had wrapped earlier.

She bounced up and down like a five year old, her face full of childish excitement and hunger. It changed quickly though, because when she finally ripped it open, she scrunched her face up and stomped on the ground.

"Rihanna? I hate Rihanna!" She screamed. "Why would you get me this piece on shit!" She threw the CD on the floor and smashed the cover with her heel.

"Oh, sorry." I had nothing else to say. I was so embarrassed and shocked, I was speechless.

"Sorry? Sorry!" She picked it up and threw it at me. "How dare you give me this piece of crap! Get out of my house! NOW!"

I could not believe how insanely worked up she was getting about a Rihanna CD. It was a CD, for god's sake, yet here she was, attacking me because I got her a CD she didn't like. She was obviously too drunk for words, but by the way she pushed me towards the door, I knew I didn't want to get involved. I held my hands up as if the cops had a gun pointing at me.

Then something incredibly freaky happened. As she yelled at me, smoke started to rise from her - literally. And then a flicker of orange flashed from the shaft of her hair, and right before my eyes, her hair started catching on fire. I was completely sure I was hallucinating, but then people started pointing at Megan and screaming.

I was standing there, wide eyed and terrified. Her hair just caught on fire, but nothing had started it. But Megan just kept abusing me, not even noticing.

"Megan, Megan, your hair!" A small girl shouted.

"What about my hair?" She patted her head. "Oh my god! Oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD! Put it out! Put it out!"

Small Girl ran over with a glass of water, throwing it over Megan, but the flame just stayed there, bright and strong, as if the water had done nothing. "Is it out!" Megan cried.

Small Girl quickly ran over with more glasses of water, continuously tossing them on Megan's head, but the fire did not stop. "IT'S BURNING! OWWW!" Megan wailed.

I was about to begin to run towards the sink, so I could grab some water. I let my hands down, and suddenly the flame went out. Just like that. It just disappeared out of thin air. Megan's hair was in perfect condition, as if a flame had never touched it. The crowd that had formed gasped, gazing at me as if I was poisonous.

"YOU BITCH!" Megan turned towards me. "YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOU MADE MY HAIR CATCH FIRE! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU FREAK!" I ran out faster than you could say "witch".

The next day at school, everyone was going around saying how totally "radical" Megan's party was. Megan was going around smiling at everyone and thanking them for coming. She even came up to me. At first I was confused at why no one had vandalized my locker with swear words or shoved me into the walls, and why Megan was acting like it never happened. That was until I realized.

It didn't. It was like last night had been erased. And over the years, I had tried to forget about it, but I never could. I wondered every night about it, but now I had an answer. I, Elizabeth Hills, was a witch.

So when the old guy in Flowerish and Blobs asked me if I had had any encounters with magic before finding out I was a witch, I told him about this. My mom got really upset and told me that "you shouldn't let people call you those awful names!" The old guy just laughed and handed me a book titled "Why Sabrina is Wrong".


	5. Thou shall not run into aggressive women

**Hey, Hey, Hey!**

**Chapter 5, yay! I know you are all extremely ecstatic that I have posted another chapter. I don't blame you; it's a pretty exciting event.**

**I have recently become fanfic-friends with an author called flowerllama98. She is actually a really good writer, and she deserves way more reviews than she has been getting. I told you about her in my previous chapter, but I really want you to take a look. I read another one of her stories, called "The Body Snatchers". It's about Hermione and Malfoy switching bodies.**

**Oh my god! I beg of you to review! Please! I don't really care if you write "this is the most awful thing I've ever read. It's even worse than My Immortal." I JUST WANT REVIEWS! I'm highly impatient. When I wake up in the morning, I go to check my fan fiction. And when I have no reviews, I grab the bazooka from my bedside table and shoot everything. So please with icing sugar and cherries and melted chocolate and a free massage and Gucci and a new computer and a pony on top – REVIEW!**

**Oh my fracking god! I'm going to The Hunger Games premiere tonight and I'm so FRACKING EXCITED! I've got my 'I Heart The Hunger Games' top ready and my plastic bow and arrow have been purchased. I even watched a few YouTube tutorials to get my crazy ass hair into a Katniss braid.**

**NEXT DAY**

**Hunger Games was frankly a disappointment. Gale was crazy hot, but they took out some of the most crucial parts, for example, the Mockingjay pin. Madge wasn't in the movie, and Katniss got the pin for free at some stall. She then gave it to Prim, who gave it back to her after she volunteered at the Games. Also, some things were beyond obvious, like when Cato and Glimmer stood and said in monotone voices "Why can't we kill him now?" **

"**No, we need him to find her." It was the worst acting I'd ever seen. It was worse than Kristen Stewart. It was so damn obvious, I was laughing. Also, Peeta never explained why Cato cut him in the leg. He just said "oh, Cato did it to me with his sword." And while he was slashed in the leg, he managed to find professional paints and disguise himself into a rock without a mirror. Oh so realistic.**

**Anyways, enjoy the chapter! And REVIEW OR DIE!**

**Lots of love,**

**HelloHogwarts oxox**

**PS: /\/\/\/\/\/ means that long horizontal line that separates text. It doesn't show up on fanfiction.**

My mother just asked me to walk through a wall.

Not just any wall, but a brick one. And brick walls hurt a hell of a lot. Trust me; I know. I 'm not the most coordinated person in the world, and in my time I've walked into many walls…and poles…and cats. And it's not like I didn't see them. I know I'm about to walk into a pole, but my brain just doesn't transmit some sort of signal to my legs telling me to move. And in my experience of walking into various amounts of…stuff, brick walls are the worst.

"Mom, can't we just drive there or something? Please?" I begged, getting down on my knees. I looked stupid in the mass of people flying (not literally…yet) through Kings Cross.

"Sweetheart, it's part of the experience. Just let your inner body flow, relax into a state of mind, meditate with the animals, sense your aura-"

"It's a freaking brick wall!" I yelled. There were no auras involved in running through a wall.

"Schnookams, just relax. It will all be fine."

"Fine," I sighed, kissing my mom sourly on the cheek. Loving family, we are. "Bye now." I grabbed my suitcase. "Here goes nothing." I whispered.

I rubbed my palms together, ready for taking off. Gripping my bags tightly, I shut my eyes and ran. Ran for my life until-

"Owwww! Watch where you're going, dumb ass!" yelled an angry business woman. I looked up to see that I had spilled coffee down her white, pristine shirt.

"S-sorry," I mumbled.

"Sorry doesn't cut it! This shirt was new! N-E-W , NEW! And now because some stupid girl had to come along and run into me, it's got freaking coffee all over it! Just get away from me before you start ripping my pencil skirt!" She screamed.

"Oh, okay, uh, sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"GET AWAY!" She shrieked. The people passing by had stopped to get a good look at what had happened. I could feel my cheeks burning as I scurried (**cool word, eh?**) away.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

"Mom!" I cried as I ran towards her. "I just ran into an aggressive lady and spilled coffee on her shirt and she got really mad and I was so embarrassed and she started screaming at me and-"

"I know, darling," said Mom, pulling me in for a tight hug. "I know."

"I don't want to go to the wizard school! Please don't make me!"

"Sweetheart," Mom said, hugging me even tighter. "You have to go. I'm so, so, so, so, so, so sorry, but you have to go," she sobbed. "I'm going to miss you so much," She kissed me on the forehead.

"Me too, Mom," I said, letting go of her and grabbing my bags. "Love you!" I yelled as I started to walk away.

"Love you too!"

I started to run for the second time, this time with my eyes open. As I got nearer to the brick wall, I started to feel more and more frightened, bracing myself for the hit. But instead, my body started to feel like jelly, and a tingling sensation that only lasted a split second jolted through me and suddenly, I was surrounded by hundreds of students piling onto an old steam train that read 'Hogwarts Express'. How original.

I stood in the crowd, not knowing what to do. Everyone was chatting to their friends or texting. I was just standing there like an idiot.

I saw a girl waving like a lunatic and jumping up and down. She was pointing at…me? She made her way closer and closer to me, bouncing on her small feet, until we were standing face to face.

"Hi, you must be Elizabeth Hills! I'm Julia Benson, and I'm going to be your Hogwarts buddy!"

"Uh, hi." Buddy? Was this grade two?

"So, so, so…how old are you, Elizabeth?"

"You can call me Liz. I'm 16."

"Wait, is this your first year at Hoggy-Warty-Hogwarts (**thanks, GinaFlavoredBean and the Hogwarts School Song **)?" She tossed her straight, shiny, red hair over her shoulder and stared at me enthusiastically with her bright blue eyes.

"Um, yeah."

She gasped. "Oh my golly goodness! You're going to have to train with the first years!"

"What?"

"You get to do your subjects with eleven year olds!" Is she kidding me? I have to do subjects with eleven year olds?

"Oh shit. Are you serious?"

"Seriously serious, I am." Could this day get any worse?

The Hogwarts Express let out a loud honk.

"Oh my, well, well, we should get going. Come sit with me on the Hogwarts Express, Liz!"

This was going to be a long day.


	6. Thou shall not carry butter knives

**Hey, Hey, Hey!**

**Not much news for you guys. I'm pretty boring.**

**Lucky sixth chapter, woo hoo! Please, pretty please review, it makes my day!**

**Oh yeah, about the Dumbledore resurrection thing, it's a bit random and probably impossible, BUT remember, this story's AU for a reason.**

**Lots of love,**

**HelloHogwarts oxox**

**PS /\/\/\/\/\/ means that long, horizontal line that separates text. It doesn't show up on fanfiction.**

"So the classes…well, my personal favourite is Arithmancy, because I mean, who doesn't love a good old maths equation? Herbology is great too, we barely get any homework and Professor Longbottom (**that's for you, GinaFlavouredBean**) is so nice. Potions, potions, potions, it's actually pretty useful, know what I mean-"

"Um, not really," I interrupted. Did Julia know how to breathe?

"Oh, that's right, you're a Muggle, I forget! So our headmaster is Albus Dumbledore, so basically he died like, ages ago because of this boy, I forget his name, uh, Henry? Yes, Henry Potter, so he died ages ago from something to do with him, but a couple of years ago, the old Defence against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor Smithson, performed some kind of ancient spell or curse or something to resurrect him but because Dumbledore suffered from diabetes, he died again because he didn't have his daily injections for a period of two months, so they had to resurrect him again, but now his alive. So, yeah, I guess that's good."

My hypothesis was correct. Julia did not possess the skill of breathing. "Um, cool," I replied. A girl with blue hair slowly padded past our compartment on the train, heaving her heavy suitcase.

"HEY KEELY! HEY KEELY! COME SIT WITH US! KEELY!" Julia yelled, jumping up and down as if she had a seizure when she saw the sight of the girl.

Keely whipped her head around, and when she saw Julia her eyes became noticeably wider, as if she'd seen a horror film. Suddenly the suitcase she was slowly dragging became as light as air, and she ran away faster than time itself.

I realized that Julia was not the person that people wanted to sit with when she first spoke to me. And what I expected was an excuse from Keely like:

"Oh, um, sorry, I need to go and…do the task that…I needed to do…"

I didn't expect her to run away. Julia couldn't have been that bad.

"She must have been busy," Julia snapped.

"Yeah," I nodded. Doubt it. "So, um, is Hogwarts fun? I mean…'cause you're wizards and witches and you know…that's cool," I mumbled.

"Hogwarts is HEAPS of fun!" She exclaimed, bouncing back to her annoyingly bubbly self. "I mean – who wouldn't want to fly on a broomstick? Or wave wands? Or kill people?" She was making different explosive hand gestures (**not like that!**) with every word she said.

"Yeah…killing people sounds like heaps of…fun."

"Oh trust me, Liz, it is. HA! That rhymed! Liz…it is! You're so in with the times Liz, with your little nickname and your ability to not be able speak a sentence without saying 'um' or pausing for at least three seconds."

"Um…thanks?"

"See! In those two words, you both paused for an excruciatingly long time and said 'um'!"

"Honeydukes Express! Comin' yur way, I am," An old lady shoved through the door of our carriage, pushing along a large trolley full of sweets. "Whatta you want?" She asked roughly.

"Ooh!" Julia grinned. "Can I please have a liquorice wand and two pumpkin pasties?" The old lady handed them to her, and then nodded at me. "Whatta 'bout you, meh dear?"

"Um, can I have a Snickers bar?"

The old lady looked puzzled.

"What's a Snickers bar?" Julia whispered into my ear.

"You know - a Snickers bar. It's got peanuts and caramel and um…other stuff in it. It's really nice," I replied.

Julia's face lit up. "Ah!" she turned to the lady. "Muggle," she explained.

"Oh," the old lady stared at me. "I'm afraid we don't sell the Snickers bars," she yelled in a monotone voice, her voice suddenly sounding proper, rehearsed and refined. "But we have a wide range of assorted sweets including chocolate frogs, jelly beans and bubble gum."

"Um, okay, then I'll just have the...jelly beans, thanks," I smiled, picking one off the stand. The old lady hobbled (**another one of my favourite highly attractive words**) off to the next compartment.

"Want some?" I gestured the packet of jelly beans to Julia.

"No thanks."

"Why not?" I asked.

"They're not your average everyday flavours, Liz-It-Is."

"Please don't call me that."

"Alright Liz-It-Is. But I'm telling you, there are vomit flavoured ones."

"Vomit flavoured jelly beans?"

"Uh huh. There's also a rotten egg flavour. And dirt. And earthworm."

"Sounds delicious." I replied.

"_Attention young witches and wizards. Only four hours left till we arrive at Hogwarts! Start packing up your things as we will be arriving soon," _a voice boomed over the speakers.

"Kill me now," I said under my breath. How long had we even been on the train for?

"Well…okay then, let's play a game," Julia said.

"Huh?"

"Close your eyes, and grab a jelly bean, then we'll split it with my butter knife and we can taste it together."

"You have a butter knife?"

She pulled one out of her bag. "You never know when it will come in handy. I carry it with me everywhere."

Well, that's not serial killer-ish. Meh, I guess it was a butter knife. What harm could she do? "Okay then." I said.

"You first!" Julia said.

"Alright." I put my hand in the bag, swishing my hand around the packet. I finally pulled one out.

We both opened our eyes, to find a green one in my hand. "Apple? Lime?" I asked.

"You never know," said Julia wisely. She split it into two, handing one to me. We popped them into our mouths.

Julia's expression changed from excited to utter disgust. She coughed repeatedly, before spitting it out into her hands and cleaning her tongue with a napkin. As I chewed, for some strange reason – it reminded me of home. It didn't taste nice, but it wasn't awful…and then I realized…

"Sardines!" I shouted. "They're sardine flavoured! My mom makes these at home!"

"Sardine flavoured jelly beans? Are you seriously serious?"

"Don't ask," I advised.


	7. Thou shall not have gangsta sorting hats

**Hey, Hey, Hey!**

**AH! I'm so sorry I haven't uploaded a chapter lately. I've been so busy with fanfiction contests, school, acting, gym etc. that I've made no time for my fellow fictionites!**

**I've had really bad luck over the past couple of weeks. Firstly I dropped a huge Apple monitor onto my foot when I was getting it out to sell on eBay. Don't worry, it's still sellable. Then I turned my neck the wrong way so now I'm stuck here with my neck attractively tilted to one side. Woo freaking hoo.**

**What else…we had the school Father Daughter Mass. That involved my dad attempting to sing really deeply and really loudly. WitAngerandBravery also sung beautifully because she seems to have an annoyingly amazing voice which I am deeply jealous of. She shall be dead by the morning, I say!**

**Yes, so life is pretty eventful for me. NOT.**

**WARNING: House song and Sorting Hat may be offensive…**

**Lots of love,**

**HelloHogwarts**

**PS: /\/\/\/\/\ means that long, horizontal line that separates text. It doesn't show up on fanfiction.**

Hogwarts was a freaking castle.

It really was. I thought the assembly hall in my old school was large, but this…damn, it was a thousand times bigger.

"They don't call it the Great Hall for nothing!" Julia chirped.

"No…they…don't," I breathed as my eyes attempted to adjust to the surroundings. There were floating candles, tables that went for miles, and enough space for the world to fit in.

People, _sorry_, wizards were running to each other, the boys engaging in classic uncomfortable half hand shake, half hug sort of thingy-ma-jig, while the girls ran towards each other, squealing and hugging, then scoping the room for potential boyfriends.

Julia and I just stood there awkwardly. Well, _I _stood there awkwardly. Julia was subtly bouncing, smiling up at the sky and waiting either for me to say something, or for an opportunity for her to say something to me. I tried my best to pretend I didn't notice her, but I swear I could sense her bobbing up and down, her mustard colored scarf flinging from side to side. She glanced at her matching watch.

"Ooh! Elizabeth, the sorting ceremony should begin soon!" She just couldn't contain herself.

"Uh, sorting ceremony?"

"Elizabeth, are you seriously being serious with me here?" She asked, followed by that _tut tut tut _noise that teachers love to make.

"Uh huh. What's the sorting ceremony?"

"The sorting ceremony decides what house you're in!"

"Um, doesn't the school pre-determine that according to how many kids there are?"

"No, silly billy! Hogwarts chooses your house based on your aspects!"

"So, there just happens to be an even amount of students in each team?" I asked suspiciously.

"Indeed, Elizabeth," she replied intelligently.

"Okay then."

"So," she began. NO! I thought this conversation had ended. Apparently not. "There are four houses. There's Slytherin, that's for all of the meanie beanies, there's Gryffindor, which is for brave waves, there's Ravenclaw, they're smart hearts, and then there's my incredible ledable, HUFFLEPUFF! We're kind and gentle and-"

"ATTENTION, ATTENTION!" An old man boomed. The rowdy crowd of students immediately stopped talking. "My name is Albus Dumbledore! I am the headmaster of Hogwarts! I am also extremely awesome, and have achieved many great things such as releasing my own album covering Justin Bieber songs, defeating The Dark Lord-"

"Didn't Potter kill him?" A short, chubby boy asked.

"Yes and no, for the answer remains a mystery for the life of achievement and no value for the love and passion of happiness." Dumbledore said wisely.

The boy looked confused "What the fu-"

"What was I saying? Oh yes, that's right. Well I am very amazing. I have been resurrected-"

The chubby boy snorted. "Hehe, erected!"

Dumbledore turned to chubby boy, who was standing a few metres away from me. "Will I need to invite you to come back to Hogwarts next year, Mr Dickson?"

Now it was my turn to laugh. "Hehe, dick!" I giggled childishly.

The chubby boy suddenly frowned. "Hey, shut up!"

"I shall pretend that never happened," Dumbledore nodded. "Could all first year students step forward?"

"THAT'S YOU, ELIZABETH! THAT'S YOU!" Oh, wow, Julia, if it wasn't for you I don't know how I would remember a thing. Chubby boy also stepped forward.

"HOPE YOU'RE IN HUFFLEPUFF!" She smiled.

"Me too…" _Not Hufflepuff, Not Hufflepuff, dear help me God…_

"Attention, all students! LET THE ANNUAL SORTING CEREMONY…BEGIN!" Dumbledore screamed. "But we couldn't do dat all wiv out da help from nun uda dan da shorting hat!" The school went mad, chanting and screaming. Dumbledore suddenly sounded like a rapper with a lisp. "Let's hear da house song, Sorta!" He began to beat box.

A platform slowly started to rise, in which an old witch's hat sat on. It was dressed in bling, with the gold chains drooping down it's point and a mini cap that was backwards. It began to sing the house song:

"Uh, yo, yo. Whaaaaa?

Me is da Sorting Hat,

Me like ta sort,

You bitches into houses,

You neva even thought.

There's da Slytherin,

Uh, uh, da Slytherin.

Slytherin is da house,

Full of nasty bitches,

There's cocky wizards,

And some slutty witches.

There's da Ravenclaw,

Uh, uh, da Ravenclaw.

Ravenclaw is da house,

Full of smart movva fockers,

They hack into ya Facebook,

They break into ya lockers.

There's da Gryffindor,

Uh, uh, da Gryffindor.

Gryffindor is da house,

Full of good little shits,

They fight all da dragons,

Day neva eva quit!

There's da Hufflepuff,

Uh, uh, da Hufflepuff.

Hufflepuff is da house,

Full of loser-ish crap,

Day say dat day are loyal,

But what day need is a slap.

Dat was da house song,

Of Hoggy-Warty-Warts.

So come to our skool,

Unless you money short!

Cuz dis skool is expensive bitch!

WORD!"

The school broke out in chaos. People were standing on tables, beating their chests. Was no one offended by that song at all?

"Okays," the sorting hat began to speak, "So me is da gangsta shorting hat shawtie - and dis is ma crib! I love hot bitches-"

The Slytherin girls purred.

"-yeah, dat means you smexy ladies. I love bad ass punk bands like My Chemical Romance and I love to partayyy at da clubs. Anyways, todays me gonna be shorting you's, so let's get started."

The Sorting Hat went through each nervous student.

"Waz youw nayme?"

"S-Sarah."

"And youw last nayme, bitch?"

"A-Adams."

"What house do you really not want to be in?"

"S-Slytherin…"

"SHE'S A SLYTHERIN!" The hat confirmed.

One by one, I watched as people were confirmed into their houses. Chubby was a Gryffindor. And finally-

"Hillz, Erizabeth!" The hat called out.

I stood up and nervously sat next to the hat.

"Well, poot me on yo head, fo gods shake!" It yelled. I hastily shoved it on my scalp.

"Ow-kay, you seem to be very interestin- oh you Irish, girl?"

"No, I'm not Irish."

"Scottish?"

"No."

"Turkish?"

"No."

"Romanian?"

"No."

"French?"

"No."

"Damn gurl, I need to study up on some geography! Woah…woah..wait a minute…ah no da perrfext house fur you!"

"Uh, what?" I asked.

"You're a-"

**Ah! Not a very good chappie, but anyways, I hope you enjoyed? What house should Liz be in. I had it all planned out but then it didn't really happen. R & R xx AU**


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